Author. 




Title. 



la......... 



Imprint 



Book 



PR 5182 
.P5 
ig]3a 
Copy 1 



PLAYGOERS 



PLAYGOERS 

A DOMESTIC EPISODE 



Sin, ARTHUR PINERO 



Copyright, 191 3, by Samuel French, Lto 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 

28-30 WEST 38TH STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 






'CI.D 33208 

1U / 



c 






PLAYGOERS 

THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY 

The Master. 
The Mistress. 
The Cook. 
The Kitchenmaid, 
The Parlourmaid. 
The Housemaid. 
The Useful Maid, 
The Odd Man. 

Scene : — The Morning-room of a London house. 



The fee for etfch and every representation of this play- by 
Amateurs is fifteen shillings, payable in advance to the sole 
propyietovs of the Amateur rights of representation : — ■ 

Messrs. Samuel French. Ltd., 

26, Southampton Street, 

Strand, London. 



pr their authorized representatives. 

No performance may be given unless a written permission has 
first he en obtained. 



PLAYGOERS 



Produced at the St. James's Theatre on Monday evening, 
March 31, 191 3. 



The Master . 
The Mistress 
The Cook 
The Kitchenmaid 
The Parlourmaid 
The Housemaid 
The Useful Maid 
The Odd Man 



A. E. Benedict. 
Mary Clare. 
Margaret Yard^ 
Iris Frasev Foss. 
Elizabeth Chesney. 
Annie Walden. 
Esme Church. 
E. Vivian Reynolds, 



PLAYGOERS 

The scene is the morning-room i7i a house in London, 
prettily decorated and furnished. Facing the specta- 
tor there is a broad window, through which the sun- 
light enters from a street, and in the right-hand wall a 
double-door opens into the room from the hall. On 
the left, opposite the door, there is the fireplace. No 
fire is burning and the grate is hidden by ferns growing 
in pots. 

On the right there is a settee : at the further end of 
the settee is a small table with books and newspapers 
upon it ; and on the left of the table there is an arm- 
chair. A ivriting-table stands near the window with 
a chair before it. On the left of the room there is a 
breakfast-table upon which are the remains of a break- 
fast laid for two persons. There is a chair at the 
further side of this table, another on its left ; and at 
the nearer side, some little distance from the table, is 
a fauteuil-stool. An arm-chair stands at the further 
side of the fireplace, and another chair of a lighter 
sort at the nearer side of the door. Other articles of 

'■^■^ furniture — bookcases, corner-cupboards, a cabinet, 
etc. — occupy spaces against the ivalls. 

(Note : Throughout, " right " and " left " are the 
spectators' right and left, not the actor's.) 

{The Master and the Mistress, a good-looking young 
couple, are seated at the breakfast-table. He is read- 
ing a newspaper ; she is sipping her tea and softly 
trilling a song.) 



10 PLAYGOERS. 

The Master [at the further side of the table, lowering 
his paper). Very jnerry this morning, Pussy. 

The Mistress {on the left of the table) . I always am^ 
dearest, on Stock Exchange holidays, when you are 
mine for a whole day. 

The Master {indulgently). Kiss me. 

The Mistress {rising and putting her lips to his 
brow). Besides, I've a reason for feeling happy just 
now every day. 

The Master. Reason ? 

The Mistress. The servants. Have you noticed 
them ? 

The Master. I've noticed they're a new lot. 
{Scowling.) Rotters ! 

The Mistress. A brand-new lot. And please 
-don't call them rotters. {Moving to the right.} 
Darling, I am convinced that at last our miseries 
are ended and that we are in for a run of luck. 

The Master {lighting a cigarette). Good business,, 
if that's the case. 

The Mistress. At the present moment, Ernest 
dear, we have a staff of domestics which, in. my 
opinion, is as near perfection as is humanly possible.. 

The Master {without enthusiasm). Hurrah ! 

The Mistress {sinking into the arm-chair on the 
left of the small table). But, oh, my gracious ! 

The Master. Yes, it has been a devil of a time.. 

The Mistress. I couldn't have gone on much 
longer as we have been going on. {Clenching her 
hands.) Oh, the torture of the past eight months — 
the first eight [months of our married life — when 
everything should have been rosy and ideal ! 

The Master {rising and approaching her). My 
poor dear Norma. 

The Mistress (animatedly). Ring the bell, old boy. 

The Master {going to the fireplace). Right'o. 
The Mistress. What do you think I am going 
to do? 



PLAYGOERS. 11 

The Master {ringing ike bell). Ask me an easier 
one. 

l\ The Mistress. I worked it out in my brain last 
night. I am going to give them a treat. 

The Master. Give who a treat ? 

The Mistress. The servants, of course. 

The Master. Oh, tosh ! When did this new 
gang come in ? 

The Mistress. How unobservant you are ! A 
week ago. 

The M.\ster. Hadn't you better wait a bit ? 

The Mistress {jumping up). No, I intend to act 
on a different system with this gang, as you term it, 
and to begin early. {Joining him in the middle of 
the room.) I mean to show all these cheerful, willing 
•people that we are their friends as well as their em- 
ployers, and that we consider it our duty to provide 
them with food for their minds as well as for their — 
you know, dear. 

The Master {nodding). U'm. 

The Mistress {slipping her arm ihrough his). 
Ernest, perhaps we have been a little remiss in this 
respect up to now 

The Master {withdrawing his am:). H'sh ! 

{The Parlourmaid enters, carrying a tray. She is a 
great deal more ladylike than any lady who has ever 
breathed.) 

The Mistress {sweetly). Thank you, I didn't 
ring for you to clear, Beechcroft. I wish to see the 
servants. 

The Parlourmaid {elevating her eycbrou's). See 
the servants ? 

The Mistress. All of you, here. 

The Parlourmaid {with a shade of hauteur). 
Reahly ? Nothing wrong, I trust ? 



12 PLAYGOERS. 

The Mistress {smilmg). Nothing; quite the 
contrary. 

The Parlourmaid. I'll bring them up as soon as 
we've finished our lunches. 

The Mistress. Do. I am sorry to have disturbed 
you. 

The Parlourmaid. I won't hurry them, or 
they'll be eating their prawns without removing the 
skins. {She retires.) 

The Mistress {gloivinglv). Isn't she a refined 
girl ? 

The Master. Extremely. But I say, Pussy, is 
it absolutely necessary to hold this confounded 
parade ? 

The Mistress. Not absolutely ; but I want to 
study the expression of their faces while you are 
making the announcement. {Walking about.) Oh, 
Ernest, is there anything in this world equal to the 
joy of giving pleasure to others ! 

The Master. Oh, / make the announcement, do 
I? 

The Mistress. Certainly. 

The Master. But I haven't heard yet what form 
the blessed treat is to take. 

The Mistress. A theatre. 

The Master. Theatre ? 

The Mistress. Yes, we are going to send them 
to the play, darling. 

The Master. My dear Norma, there are no panto- 
mimes at this time of year. 

The Mistress. Pantomimes ! These are grown- 
up, intelligent women, not a parcel of children. 

The Master {griimhlingly). Well, anyhow it'll be 
deucedly inconvenient for us. 

The Mistress {halting). Why, pray? 

The Master. Who is to cook and serve our 
dinner ? 

The Mistress. Do we never dine at a restaurant ? 



PLAYGOERS. 13 

The Master. Often. But we're not in the habit 
of marching out of the house and leaving it totally 
unprotected. 

The Mistress (coming to him and speaking very 
incisively.) My dear husband, will you have the 
common fairness to tell me whether I have said they 
are al,l to go to the theatre on the same night ? 

The Master. Er — oh, I beg pardon. 

The Mistress. I have planned the affair, in my 
head, down to the smallest detail. As a matter of 
fact they are to go in botches. 

The Master. I fancy you mean batches. 

The Mistress. Don't be so fond of catching me 
up. Batches. Some one night, some another. 
[Melting.) Oh, Ernest, I am so excited about it f 
Tum-de-ay ; tum-de-ay ! 

[She seizes him and they do a " glide " round the room. 
The door opens again and the Parlourmaid returns, 
followed by the Cook, the Useful Maid, the House- 
maid and the Kitchenmaid, all with their mouths 
full. The Master and the Mistress stop dancing 
in some confusion.) 

The Master [under his breath). Dash ! 

The Parlourmaid [to the Mistress). Heah they 
are. They thought they'^ rather get it ovah. 

The Mistress. Delighted. [To the Cook.) Good 
morning, Mrs. Hacket. 

The Cook [a stolid, ponderous' woman). Good- 
mornin', m'm. 

The Mistress [in the middle of the room.) Will you 
sit down, please — will everybody sit down ? Mr. 
Dorrington has something to communicate to you. 
Sit on the settee, some of you. [To the Housemaid, 
pointing to the chair against the right-hand wall. Wor- 
ringham, bring that chair forward. That's right ; 
I want you all to be comfortable. 

[Obviously oppressed by the mystery shrouding the 



14 PLAYGOERS. 

proceedings, the Cook, the Kitchenmaid and the 
Useful Maid seat themselves upon the settee, the 
Parlourmaid enthrones herself in the chair on the 
left of the small table, ivhile the Housemaid fetches 
the chair from the right as directed and sits in it at 
the nearer end of the settee.) 

The Mistress {to the Master, in a ivhisper, gently 
pushing him tou'ards the middle of the room.) Now, 
darling. 

{She siis upon the faiileuil-stool and eagerly watches the 
servants' faces.) 

The Master [addressing the servants). Er — h'm — 
I should like you to undei'stand that this is an idea of 
Mrs. Dorrington's — her idea entirely. Er — Mrs. Dor- 

rington desires me to say — er [To the Cook, 

who is steadily munching — irritably). I am afraid 
you're not nearly through with your lunch. 

{The Cook, ^noving her jan's regularly, regards him with 
dull eyes and offers no reply.) 

The Mistress (reprovingly). Ernest ! 

The Master {with an effort). I repeat, I am de- 
sired by Mrs. Dorrington to say {The Odd Man 

enters quietly, closes the door, and advances to the back of 
the settee, where he takes up an attittide of deep attention. 
He is a genial, beery-looking individual in a linen jacket 
and baize apron, and u'ith a dirty leather in his hand.) 
Who's this ? 

The Mistress. The Odd Man, dear. 

The Master {in a low voice). M}' hat ! Do you 
wish to include him ? 

The Mistress {vagiiely). N-no ; I hadn't thought 
of doing so. 

The Master {to the Odd Man). What do you 
want ? 



PLAYGOERS. 15 

The Odd Man {pointing to the Parlourmaid). 
I'm 'ere in obedjence to a messidge brought by this 
young la.dy while we was 'avin' a snack in the 'all. 

The Master. Er {to the Mistress, turning 

away.) Oh, you take this on, Norma. 

The Mistress {rising) Look here — I forget your 
name — Gage 

The Odd Man. Gale,m'ra. G-a-l-e — Gale. Think 
of wind. 

The Mistress. Thank you, there is no need for 
me to think of wind. Look here, Gale, my message 
was to the servants 

The Odd Man. Egzackly, m'm 

The Mistress. Don't interrupt me. I meant 
the r^gulo-f servants, those who sleep in the house. 

The Odd Man. I've di^opped off to sleep in the 
'ouse movvi than once. {To the Cook.) 'Aven't I, 
Mrs. 'Acket ? 

The Mistress. Then you oughtn't to have clone 
so. However, I can't discuss the point now. Be 
good enough to remain downstairs in case the trades- 
men's or the visitors' bell rings. 

The Odd Man {lingering). Right you are, m'm. 
It's been a misunderstandin' on my part ; that's all 
it's been. The best of us is liable to mistakes 

The Master {rejoining the Mistress — to the Odd 
Man). Go away ; go away. 

The Odd Man {touching his forehead). Fust time 
I've 'ad the pleasure o' seein' you, sir 

The Master. The loss has been mutual. 

The Odd Man. That is, to 'ave a conversation, 
so to speak — ■ — 

The Master. Yes, yes ; go away. 

The Odd Man {producing a soiled and torn paper 
from his pocket) . Where's my list o' dooties ? 

The Master. You've got it. Run along. 

The Odd Man {whistling). Phiou ! Lucky I'm 
wo^ required 'ere. My busy mem in'. {He departs.) 



16 PLAYGOERS. 

The Mistress {to the Master, reseating herself upon 
the fauteuil- stool). Start afresh, darling. 

The Master {resuming his address). Er — h'm — 
as I have already informed you, I am desired by Mrs. 

Dorrington to — er {To .the Cook, ivho is still 

munching.) For heaven's sake, Mrs. Thingamy, swallow 
and have done with it ! 

The Mistress. Ernest ! {The Cook gulps pain- 
fully.) Oh, Ernest ! 

The Master. Sorry — sorry. 

The Mistress {faintly). Oh, dear ! {To the 
Master.) Once more. 

The Master {to the Servants). I am desired by 
Mrs. Dorrington to say that — er — in consideration of 
— er — your long and valuable services 

The Mistress. Ernie. 

The Master. Hay ? 

The Mistress. Only a week ! 

The Master {hastily). I know, I know, I know 

{To the Servants.) In consideration of the long and 
valuable services which we have every reason to — er 
— hope and to — er^ — expect 

The Mistress {prompting him). You will render 
us — — 

The Master {to the Servants) . — Every reason to 
hope and expect that you will render us, it is her wish 
— our joint wish, in fact — to give you occasionally a 
little — how shall I describe it ? 

The Mistress.. Treat. 

The Master. Distraction. 

The Mistress. Wholesome amusement. 

The Master. And this being our intention, we 
propose to begin by sending you all to the play— — 

The Mistress. The theatre 

The Master. The theatre. And— er — and — er 

{To the Mistress.) That's all, I believe, 

Norma ? 

The Mistress {to the Master). Thank you, dear- 



PLAYGOERS. 17 

est. {Beaming upon the Servants.) Well ? Well ? 
{There is silence. The Parlourmaid tidies her hair 
fastidiously. The Housemaid, a solemn-visaged young 
woman, looks down her nose and tightly compresses her 
lips. The Cook's face remains a blank. The Useful 
Maid, a thin, ana?mic girl, stares into space vjith watery 
eyes. The Kitchenmaid, crushed into the further 
corner of the settee by the CoOK, is almost completely 
hidden). W-w-well ? 

The Useful Maid {suddenly breaking into sobs and 
searching for her handkerchief). O'ho — o'ho — • 
o'ho ! 

The Master {to the Mistress). Eh? What 
the ! 

The Mistress {to the Master). H'sh-sh-sh ! 
{To the Useful Maid, soothingly). Now, Trinder, 
Trinder, do try to control yourself. 

The Useful Maid {wiping her eyes). O'ho — o'ho ! 
Such wonderful kindness I've never experienced in 
any situation Fve been in ! 

The Master {to the Mistress, in a whisper). Is 
she always ? 

The Mistress {in the same tone, nodding). Inclined 
to be a little hysterical — u'm. 

The Useful Maid {to the Mistress). You're the 
nicest lady Fve ever had anything to do with. O'ho — ■ 
o'ho — o'ho ! 

The Mistress {gently). Trinder — Trinder ! 

The Useful Maid. Mr. Dorrington too ! Oh, 
what a th-th-th-thorough gentleman ! 

The Master {to the Mistress). The Useful Maid, 
isn't she ? 

The Mistress {nodding again). Yes. 

The Master {sardonically). Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

The Mistress {indignantly). Ernest ! 

The Useful Maid {to the Master). You must 
excu.se me, sir. I'm a trifle run dov/n ; that's the 
truth. (To j;/?d? Mistress.) Isn't it, m-m-madam ? 



18 PLAYGOERS. 

The Mistress {asscntingly). Below par. 

The Useful Maid. I've be^n talking about 
taking a tonic for ever so long. This decides me. 

The Master [to the Useful Maid). Well, under 
the Insurance Act 

The Mistress {reproach fully). Ernie ! 

The Useful Maid. O'ho — o'ho — o'ho ! 

The Mistress {to the Useful Maid). H'sh, h'sh, 
h'sh ! There, there! Pull yourself together. I 
am glad you appreciate what we are doing for you. 
{To the Cook, brightly.) Now, Mrs. Hacket, it's yoitr 
turn. Let us hear what you have to say. 

The Cook {heavily). Me, m'm ? 

The Mistress. The treat — the visit to the theatre ? 
Wake up, Mrs. Hacket ! 

The Cook. Apolergizin' for the question, m'm, I 
presoom this playgoin' ain't intended to interfere 
with our usual outs ? 

The Mistress {blankly). Interfere — with your ? 

The Cook. Becos I don't think that 'ud be appre- 
shayted by the gals, by any manner o' means. 

The Master {looking at the Mistress). Upon my 
soul ! 

The Mistress {rising, stiffly). Extraordinary! 
{TI:e Master and the Mistress change places.) Of 
course your usual nights out will not be interfered with. 

The Cook. I mealy arst. 

The Mistress. Really, Mrs. Hacket ! 

The Cook. No offence, m'm. 

The Mistress {tapping her foot upon the floor). 
Not the least. 

The Cook. Then it 'ud best be on a Monday night'-, 
if it's to be at all. 

The Mistress. If it's to be ! 

{The Odd Man reappears, closing the door as before.) 

The Master. Here's that fellow again ! 

The MtSTRESs {to the Odd Man). What is it, 
Gage ? 



PLAYGOERS. 19 

The Odd Man [advancing). Gale, m'm. Think 
of wind. 

The Mistress [hotly). I shall not think of wind. 
Does anybody want Mrs. Hacket ? 

The Odd Man [leaning upon the back of the settee). 
Mot that I'm aweer, m'm. 

The Master [changing places ivith the Mistress). 
Then, confound you ! 

The Odd Max. It's like this, sir. I've been turnin' 
the lady's remark over in my mind, as to my not bein' 
a reg'lar servant 

The Master. Oh, pickles ! 

The Odd Man. An' the concloosion I 'ave arrived 
at 

The Master. You will arrive at a still speedier 
:onclusion, so far as this establishment is concerned, 
f you're not careful. 

The Mistress. Most assuredly. 

The Odd Man [argumentatively). Yer see, sir, 
ny p'int is 

The Master. Your pint ! It looks as if your pint 
lad been a gallon. 

The Mistress. Ha ! 

The Odd Man [ignoring the suggestion). My p'int 
s, that if a employer takes out a Inland Revenoo 

icence for a 'Andy Man 

' The Master. How dare you attempt to argue 
nth me I 

The Odd Man. That constitoots 'im a reg'lar 
servant. Therefore 

The Mistress. Go away. 

The Master. Go away. 

The Mistress. Keep in the basement. 

The Master. Outrageous ! 

The Mistress. What next ? 

The Odd yi\'ii[producinghis paper again, resignedly). 
Where's my list o' dooties ? 

The Master. You've already referred to it. 



20 PLAYGOERS. 

The Mistress. It's getting worn out. 

The Odd Man {moving slowly to the door). I'm 
gittin' wore out, fairly. 

The Mistress. Oh ! 

The Master. Be off ! 

The Odd Man {at the door reading his paper). 
Hullo ! Phiou ! Winders ! {He ivithdraics.) 

The Mistress {walking away to the fireplace). Oh ! 
Oh ! {Pacing up and down.) Terrible person ! 

The Master {pacing up and dozen the middle of the 
room). Dreadful creature ! {Gradually calming him- 
self.) Oh, lor' ! {Wiping his brow.) Stupid to allow 
one's self to be upset by trifles. Ha, ha, ha ! {The 
Parlourmaid.) Well, my good girl — phew ! — what 
observations have you to favour us with, eh ? 

The Parlourmaid {languidly). Observations? 
With regawd to the theatah ? 

The Master. Precisely ; with regawd to the 
theatah. 

The Parlourmaid. Oh, I'm quite agreeahble, 
I'm shaw. 

The Master. Agreeable ! 

The Mistress. Agreeable ! 

The Parlourmaid. Provided an extrah seat next 
to mine is booked for my friend. 

The Master. Your ? 

The Mistress {coming to the break fast-table) 
Friend ? 

The Master. Who ? 

The Parlourmaid. My fyonsay. I nevah attenc, 
places of amusement unaccompanied by my frien(| 

The Master {at a loss). Er — indeed ? {To the^ 
Mistress.) Perhaps you had better deal with this, 
Norma. 

{The Mistress advances and the Master seats him- 
self upon the fauteuil-stool and glares at nothing in 
particular.) 



PLAYGOERS. 21 

The Mistress {to the Parlourmaid). This is the 
first I've heard of a young man, Beechcroft. How 
long have you and he been walking out ? 

The Parlourmaid {raising her eyebroivs higher 
than ever). Walking out ? 

The Mistress. Keeping company. 

The Parlourmaid. Keeping company- ? 

The Mistress. Keeping company. Don't I speak 
plainly ? 

The Parlourmaid {loftily). I've known him for 
yeahs. But our engagement wasn't announced to our 
respectful families till Febyouaryry. 

The Mistress. Respective, not respectful. If you 

wouldn't try to use words that are beyond you ■ 

{The telephone-bell rings in the hall.) Telephone. 
{The Parlourmaid rises and saunters to the door.) 
Look sharp, Beechcroft ! {To the Master, as the 
Parlourmaid disappears.) I — I — I suppose there's 
no objection ? 

The Master {between his teeth). Extra ticket ? 

The Mistress. An additional ticket ? 

The Master {gratingly). I suppose not. 

The Useful Maid {indulging in another Jit of weep- 
ing). O'ho — o'ho — o'ho ! Oh, what kindness ! 

The Master {groaning). Oh ! 

The Mistress {stamping her foot.) Silence, 
Trinder ! Compose yourself. 

The Useful Maid. O'ho — o'ho — o'ho ! {The 

Parlourmaid returns.) 

The Mistress {to the Parlourmaid). Who is 
it? 

The Parlourmaid {going back to her chair) . Wrong 
numbah. 

The Mistress. Well, Beechcroft, Mr. Dorrington 
and I have weighed your application carefully and 
we have decided to accede to it. 

The Parlourmaid {resuming her seat). An extrah 
fotool for my friend ? 



22 PLAYGOERS. 

The Mistress {graciously). An additional seat 
for your friend. 

The Parlourmaid [arranging her apron). Thenks 
awf'ly. 

The M.-'iSTER. Two. 

The Mistress (to the Master, surprised). Two? 

The Master. Two extra seats — one for himself 
and the other for his hat. 

The Parlourmaid [to the Mistress, resent fully). 
Reahly, madam ! 

The Mistress {to //z^ Master, in a tone of warning). 
Ernest — — ! 

The Useful Maid {stuffing her handkerchief into 
her mouth). O'ho — o'ho — o'ho ! 

The Master. Great Scot ! 

The Mistress. Be quiet, Trinder ! 

The Useful Maid. Oh, what liberality ! O'ho — 
o'ho ! 

The Cook {in a deep voice). Apolergizin' for the 
interruption 

The Mistress {to the Cook). What no'iV, Mrs. 
Hacket ? 

The Cook. Apolergizin' for the interruption, if 
Beechcroft is given permission to bring her friend, I 
shall expec' to 'ave a ticket took for mj' nephew. 

The Mistress. Your — nephew ! {The Master 
rises, grimly and silently.) Your ? 

The Cook. My fav'rite nephew. 

The Mistress {to the Master, f alter ingly). 
Ernest- ? 

The Master {changing places with the Mistress — - 
restraining himself with difficulty). Forgive me^ for 
reminding you, Mrs. Hatchet 

The Mistress. Hacket 

The Master {with a wave of the hand). Forgive 
me for reminding you that ^our favourite nephew is 
not my favourite nephew, nor Mrs. Dorringlon's. 

The Cook. Neither ain't Beechcroft's friend your 
friend, comes to that. 



PLAYGOERS. 23 

The Master (his fingers twitching). Tme. 

The Mistress (to the Cook). What is he — this 
nephew ? 

The Cook. 'E's a Dog-exerciser. 

The Mistress. Dog-exerciser ! 

The M.\ster. Dog ! 

The Cook. 'E exercises pet-dogs for ladies stayin' 
in 'otels — drags their animals round the Park. 'E's 
got quite a big connection, Albert 'as. I reckon 'e's 
'ead of 'is purfesshun. 

The Mistress (to the M.\ster, zceakly). Ernie ? 

The Cook. Albert'll end by 'avin 'is portrait in 
the Daily Mirror it is prophesied. 

Thz Mistress [to ike M.\ster). I— I — I suppose 
th-th-there's no objection ? 

The Master. Extra ticket ? 

The Mistress. A-n-n-nother ticket ? 

The Master (gutiurally). I suppose not. 

The Useful Maid {unable to repress her tears). 
O'ho — o'ho — o'ho ! 

The Mistress. Trinder ! 

The Useful Maid. Oh, what generosity ! Such 
treatment I've never met with, the years I've been in 
service ! 

The Mistress {again pacing the room on the left). 
This is maddening ! 

{The telephone-bell is again heard.) 

The Parlourmaid {rising). Telephone. 
The Master {furiously). Damn the telephone ! 
The Housemaid {with a sudden jerk and a shiver). 
Ho'! Ho ! my .' 

{The Parlourmaid goes out.) 

The Mistress {rejoining the Master and addressing 
the Housemaid i^'ith asperity). Oh, I'm forgetting 
you, Worringham. We haven't heard from you yet. 



24 PLAYGOERS. 

How^narij^ young men do you wish us to take tickets 
for? 
The Housemaid (severely). None, m'm. 
The Mistress (ironically). None ! Astonishing ! 
The Master (to the Housemaid). Oh, come ! A 

favourite cousin ? 

The Housemaid (shaking her head). I have been 
brought up much more strict than what most girls 
in my station of life have been brought up, being a 
Dissenter, and I have no use for men, young or old. 
The Master (with mock concern). You appal me. 
The Housemaid. Not that men are holy un- 
necessary, mark you — I don't go so fur as to maintain 
that. 

The Master. What a relief ! Even that partial 

concession (The Parlourmaid re-enters.) Who 

is it ? 

The Parlourmaid. Wrong numbah. 
The Master (angrily). Pish ! 
The Parlourmaid (returning to her chair) . \^'here- 
ah are we ? 
The Master. Where are we ? 
The Parlourmaid (sitting again). Where-ah have 
we got to ? 

The Master. We have got to the desolating dis- 
closure that — er 

The Mistress. Worringham 

The Master. That Worringham has a strong 
antipathy to the male sex. 

The Parlourmaid (disdainfully). He, he ! 
The Housemaid (to the Parlourmaid). Yes, you 
may laugh. Miss Beechcroft. (Drawing herself up.) 
Neither have I — I must avow it — neither have I the 
slightest use for theatres, or theatre-going. 
The Mistress (gas/)mg). Oh! 
The Housemaid. A select Cinema now and again, 
p'raps ; but theatres, no. (To the Mistress.) _ And 
if I may be pardoned the liberty, m'm, I do think it 



PLAYGOERS. 25 

would ha' been more considerate to have consulted 
each of us as to our partic'lar tastes and likings 
before seeking to drive us all to the play-'ouse as 
though we're a flock o' sheep. 

The Mistress {dropping on to the fauteiiil-stool). 
Well, I never ! 

The Master. Bv Jove, thi^ caps everythiiig ! 

[The telephone-bell rings again.) 

The Parlourmaid (rising). Telephone. 
The Mistress (starting up). Damn the tele- 
phone ! 

The Master (to the Mistress). Norma ! 
The Housemaid (horrified). Ho ! Ho, dear! 

(The Parlourmaid goes out.) 

The Master (to the Mistress, in her ear). Don't 
lose your dignity. 

The Mistress (wildly). Bah ! 

The Master. Keep your dignity ; keep your 
dignity. 

The Mistress (passing him and going to the settee). 
Where's Evelyn ? Evelyn ! 

The Master (pacing the room on the left). Who's 
Evelyn ? 

The Mistress. The kitchenmaid. (Stamping her 
foot.) Evelyn ! 

The Kitchenmaid (struggling to the surface). 
Comin', mum. 

The Mistress (shaking her finger at the Kitchen- 
maid as the girl succeeds in making herself visible). 
Now hsten to me, Evelyn. I won't stand any non- 
sense from you. Are yoii a playgoer ? 

The Kitchenmaid (a poor little object with a rough 
head of hair). I'm willin' to be, mum. I'm gaime for 
anythink. 

The Master (exultingly). -Ha, ha! Evelyn is 
game for anything ! 



2^ PLAYGOERS. 

The Mistress {unsicadily). Ha, ha ! That's a 
comfort. {To the Kitchenmaid.) And do you 
demand an extra ticket, child, for a friend or relation ? 

The Kitchenmaid. No, mum, thank yer ; I got 
no relations or acquaintances wotsoever. 

The Cook {to the Kitchenmaid, smothering he/ 
again). 'Ere, don't you be so talkative. 

{The P.\RLOURM.A.iD returns.) 

The Mistress {to the Parlourmaid). Who is it ? 

The Parlourmaid. Wrong numbah. 

The Mistress {going to the fireplace cni clinging 
to the mantelpiece). Gur-r-r-rh ! 

The Master {cjming to the middle of the room). 
Curse that Exchange of ours ! 

The Parlourmaid {coldly). I have just done so. 

The Housemaid {shuddering). Ho ! 

The Parlourmaid {reseating herself). Where-ah 
are we ? 

The ]\Iaster {his hand to his hroit).'} Where are 
we ? 

The Parlourmaid. Where-ah have we got to ? 

The Master {wearily). To the discovery of the 
pleasing circumstance that Evelyn — {looking at the 
settee) who was here a minute ago — that Evelyn is 
potentially a patron of the Drama. {The door re- 
opens and the Odd Man appears again. He is carrying 
a pail of water, some dusters, and his leather. He closes 
the door softly and goes towards the window. The 
Master reels against the breakfast-table.) Norma ! 

The Mistress {turning). Merciful Powers ! 

The Master {intercepting the Odd Man and bringing 
him forward). Blizzard 

The Odd Man. Gale, sir. Think of wind. 

The Master. I do ; but mere wind seems to 
express the situation inadequately. {Pointing to the 
pail.) What's this ? 



PLAYGOERS. 27 

The Odd Man {depositing the pail upon the floor 
and producing his paper). Where's my list o' dooties ? 

The Mistress {sitting in the chair on the left of the 
break fast-table and clasping her temples). Oh, Ernest ! 

The Odd Man {indicaiing, with a dirty forefinger,, 
an instruction in his paper). See year. 

The Master {blinking at thd paper). The \\'-ords 
swim before me. 

The Odd Man {reading). " Thursday." What's 
to-day ? 

The Master. Thursday. 

The Odd M.^xn. " Thursday." {Pointing to in- 
structions on paper.) " Clean mornin'-room winders." 

{He replaces the paper in his pocket and is about to 
pick up the pail.) 

The Master {touching the Odd Man's arm, with 
terrible calmness). No. You have conquered by the 
aid of fate and a superior intelhgence. Sit down. 
You are a regular servant. 

{Displaying great alacrity, the Odd Man takes the 
chair from before the writing-table and seats himself 
by the Parlourmaid. The Master sits in the chair 
at the further side of the breakfast-table and rests his 
head upon his hands.) 

The Useful Maid {her bosom heaving). O'ho— 
o'ho — o'to ! 

The Mistress {stopping her cars). Ah, don't ! 

The Useful Maid. Oh, what soft-heartedness ! 
O'ho 

The Mistress {frantically). Trinder ! 

The Useful Maid {her sobs subsiding). O'ho — 
o'ho — o'ho 

The Mistress {sinking back in her chair , exhausted) . 
Oh! 

The Odd Man {after a look round, coughing to 



28 PLAYGOERS. 

attract the Master's attention). Ahem ! Ahem ! 

May I ventcher for to arsk ? 

The Master {raising his head). What is all this 
year about ? 
The Odd Man. Egzactly, sir. 
The Master (to the Odd Man). I will answer your 
question with another. Are you a playgoer ? 

The Odd Man {appealing to the air). Am I a play- 
goer ! {To tlie Master, volubly.) Don't my mother 
keep a small shop in Crawford Street, Mary'bone, 
an' ain't she continu'ly receivin' orders for exhibitin ' 
the theayter bills ? 
The Master. Indeed ? 

The Odd Man. Yus, indeed. An' the wus the 
failyers at the theayters, the quicker the orders flows 
in. 

The Master. Doubtless. 

The Odd Man. Why, lor' bless yer, sir, we liter'y 
pray for fiarscos, mother an' me ! 

The Master. Enough. I am satisfied that you 
are, in the fullest sense, a patron of the Drama. {To 
the Mistress, whose eyes are closed.) My darling, all 
that is left to do, it seems to me, is to complete the 
arrangements for the — er — approaching festivity. 

The Odd Man {joyously). What ! {Slapping his 
thigh.) Do I guess right ! Is there a beano on ? . 

The Master {to the Odd Man). You are correct 
in your surmise. There is a beano on. {To the Mis- 
tress.) Norma ? 

_ The Cook {as the Mistress opens her eyes). Apoler- 

gizin' for the interruption 

The Mistress {shutting her eyes again, feebly) . Oh ! 

The Cook. Apolergizin' for the interruption, as 

Worringham ain't to be .one o' the party, she will be 

able to mind the 'ouse durin' our absences an' warm 

our suppers. 

The Odd Man {folloiving the proceedings with the 
keenest interest) 'Ear, 'ear ! 



PLAYGOERS. 29 

The Housemaid {to the Cook, byidling). Ho, no, 
she won't ; cert'nly not ! 

The Mistress (again opening her eyes). That is 
for me to decide. 

The Housemaid (to the Mistress). Begging your 
pardon, m'm, but I never said I wasn't ready to 
sacrifice my priv'it feehngs and.beHefs, and to go to 
the theatre, to obhge. 

The Mistress [rallying). To obhge ! 

The Master. Obhge ! 

The Housemaid {to the Master). Yes, sir, for the 
sake o' my feher-servants as weh as for yours and 
Mrs. Dorrington's. 

The Master. For the sake of your ? 

The Housemaid. To give the party an air of 
respectabihty, as it wear. 

The Cook. Respectabihty ! 

The Parlourmaid. Respectabihty ! 

The Cook {to the Parlourmaid). I'd 'ave you 
know. Miss Grace Worringham 

The Parlourmaid. Insulting cat ! 

The|,Odd Man {softly). Order, order! 

The Useful Maid {weeping). O'ho, what dissen- 
sions ! O'ho ! 

The Kitchenmaid {endeavouring to bring herself 
into view). 'Ere lem'me say somethink ! 

The Cook {to the Kitchenmaid). You shut up, 
Evelyn Platch. 

The Parlourmaid {derisively). He, he, he, he ! 

The Mistress {struggling to her feet). Stop ! 
Stop ! {The telephone-bell rings again.) Tele- 
phone ! 

The Parlourmaid {rising). Damn the telephone ! 

The Mistress. Beechcroft ! 

The Housemaid {clapping her hand to her heart). 
Ho ! Ho, my goodness ! 

{The Parlourmaid stalks out.) 



30 PLAYGOERS. 

The Mistress {leaning upon the hreakfast-tahk , 
panting). You — you'll drive me into a lunatic 
asylum, amongst you ! 

The Master {rising and approaching the Mistress). 
My darling, you must not agitate yourself {Bark- 
ing his shin against the pail.) Oh ! 

The Mistress {sympathetically). Oh, Ernie ! 

The Master •{/;? great pain). Ah ! {Picking up the 
pail.) Tsss ! 

The Odd Man {to the Master, not stirring). Now 
you see, sir, 'o\v easy accidents 'appen to us dermes- 
tics. On'y j-usterday . 

The Master {to the Mistress). You must not 
agitate yourself in this way, Pussy. {Wincing) 
Your original plan — tell them 

The Mistress {advancing to the Servants). My 
plan is not to send you all to the theatre on the same 
night, but in botches 

The Master {close behind her). Batches. 

The Mistress {to the Master, on the verge of tears). 
Oh, don't catch me up so ! {To the Servants.) 
Mrs. Racket and her nephew, and Evelyn and Trinder 
are to go first ; Worringham, Beechcroft and her 

friend, and — and — and {to the Master) what's 

his name ? 

The Master {savagely). Typhoon 

The Mistress {to the Servants). Typhoon— 
{da^^Iing a glance of reproach at the Master) no, it 
isn't ! — {poijtting to tlie Odd Man) and hint the second 
night. 

TheJMaster {to the Mistress). He the second night. 

The Mistress {to the Master). Don't ! 

The Odd Man {to the Mistress). I'll go both 
nights, m'm, if it'll promote 'armony. 

The Mistress {to the Odd M.\n). You shall do 
nothing of the sort ! 

The Useful Maid {n'eeping copiously). I'd stay 
at liome and hot up the suppers with glee. 



PLAYGOERS. 31 

Th2 Mistress [frenziea). Oh ! 

The Cook. Apolergizin' for the interruption 

The Mistress {to the Cook). Now what ? 

The Cook. Apolergizin' for the interruption, in 
all good 'ousr.s, whenever there's a speshul out, the 
cook goes with the butler. 

The Mistress. We don't keep a butler. 

The Master. We don't keep, a butler. 

The Cook {emphatically). An' where no butler is 
kep", she goes with the parlourmaid. 

The Master {to the Mistress, in a -whisper). Re- 
arrange it ! Rearrange it ! 

The Mistress [to the Master). I won't ! [To the 
Cook, fiercely.) Mrs. Hacket ! 

The Cook. Oh, I mealy stated wot is custom' ry in 
good 'ouses 

The Odd Man {to the Mistress). Count me as 
the butler, m'm, if it'll 'elp ycr out of yer mess. 

The Mistress. I won't ! {To the Parlourmaid, 
who reappears at, this jtincture and returns to her chair.) 
Who was it ? 

The Parlourmaid {distantly). My friend. 

The Mistress {to the Master). Our telephone ! 

The Master {changinf^ places ivith the Mistress — 
to the Parlourmaid). Impudence ! 

The Parlourmaid {to the Master). Reahly ! 

The Mistress {discovering that the Master is un- 
thinkingly carrying the pail about with him — under her 
breath). Oh! Ernest ! 

The Parlourmaid {reseating herself). Where-ah 
a/re we ? 

The Master {to the Parlourmaid). Oh, we can't 
keep on going back for you, you know. 

The Mistress. Ernie ! 

The Master {to the Mistress, over his shoulder). 
Hay ? 

The Parlourmaid {deeply injured). Oh, very well, 
then I shall lose the thread of it. 



32 PLAYGOERS. 

The Master {to the Parlourmaid). All right, 
then, you've got to lose the thread of it. 

The Mistress. Ernest ! 

The Master {turning to the Mistress). What is 
it? 

The Mistress {looking at him significantly). Pail 1 

The Master {self -pityingly). Pale, am I ? {Pass- 
ing his hand across his face.) I don't wonder. 

The Mistress. No, no. {Taking the pail from { 
him.) Give it to me. 

The Master. Oh ! 

The Mistress {in his car). You are losing your 
dignity. 

{She moves away with the pail and stands it upon the 
floor between the fire-place and [the b^'eakfasi-table.} 

The Odd Man {to the Master, highly tickled by his 
strange behaviour). Ho, ho ! Fancy you, sir, walkin' 
about with a pail for choice ! Ho, ho, ho ! That 
beats me ! 

The Master (light-headedly). Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

The Cook. Apolergizin' for the interruption 

The Master {to the Cook). Don't mention it. 

The Cook. Apolergizin' for the interruption, 'pears 
to me there is on'y one more little matter to be dis- 
posed of. 

The Master. One — more ? 

The Cook. Wot theatre, an' wot play, are we all 
to be packed off to ? _ 

The Master. Quite so; quite so. {Eyeing theW 
Mistress, who, with a look of leaden apathy, has sunk^l 
down upon the fauteuil-stool.) Dearest ? 

The Useful Maid {with a wail.) O'hooo ! I'm for 
a hearty laugh, I am. f| 

The Odd Man {slapping his leg again). So'm I ! 
So'm I ! 

The Useful Maid {blubbering). I was always 
celebrated for my gaiety till my teeth failed me. 



PLAYGOERS. 3S 

The Housemaid. As for laughter, nobody can 
laugh louder than what I can, when provoked. 
{Straightening her back.) The play I will not consent 
to witness is the play containin' love an' passion. 

The Kitchenmaid {coming to the surface again). 
'Ere, I've no sech objection ! 

The Cook {to the Kitchenmaid). You 'old your 
tongue, Evelyn. 

The Odd Man {to the Housemaid). G'am ! 
Don't be so simple. They on'y pretend. 

The Housemaid. Pretend. {Quiver ingly.) I've 
heard. Lips glued to lips ! 

The Parlourmaid {icily). If I may pass a re- 
mark 

The Master {to the Parlourmaid). You may. 

The Parlourmaid. The propah thing to do is to 
wait and consult my friend. 

The Housemaid {wither ingly). Your friend 1 
{Sniffing.) Why not Mrs. Hacket's nephew while 
you're about it ! 

The Cook {to the Housemaid). Yus, an' w'y not 1 

The Housemaid. Ho ! 

The Parlourmaid {curling her lip at the House- 
maid). Cheek ! 

The Cook {to the Housemaid). Utter a syllerble 
a^gainst my nephew ! 

The Odd Man {pacifically). Cookie^ cookie, 
cookie ! 

The Useful Maid {iveeping). O'ho ! Dissension 
on dissension ! 

The Kitchenmaid. 'Ere ! 

The Mistress (wMswg/jg?'sg//). Silence! Silence! 

The Master {to the Mistress, helplessly). Nor- 
ma ? 

The Mistress {starting up and advancing to the 
Servants). Now understand me clearly, once and 
for all. You servants will go exactly where Mr. 
Dorrington and I choose to send you. 



. 34 PLAYGOERS. 

The Odd Man {to the Mistress). I 'aven't been 

to one o' the 'alls lateh/, m'm 

The Mistress [to the Odd Man). Silence ! [To 
the female seriv.nts.) And that will be to no entertain- 
ment of a trivial and frivolons character. 

The Odd Man {urgently). Mother don't git no 
paper for the 'alls. 

The Mistress {to the Odd Man). Be quiet ! {To 
the female servants.) What you will see is a play of 
ideas, something to stimulate your imegirations and 
make you think. 

The Cook. Ideers ! 

The Parlourmaid {with a sickly expression). 
Make us think ! 

The Odd Man {gloomily). Crikey ! 
. The Mistress. A slice cut clean out of life, in 

y^**nkci. {Desperately.) You follow me ? 

The Housemaid. Sounds 'orribly 'crool. 

The Kitchenmaid {awe-struck). Does that mean 
that knives is freely used, mum ? 

The Mistress. Not necessarily — except by the 
Censor. 

The Cook {after a pause, during which the servants 
look at each other irquiringly). Well, any'ow, gals, 
it strikes me we're in for a preshus dull e\enin'. 

The Mistress {throwing i,p her aims). Oh ! 

The Master {who has been fi.ming at the hack of 
the room). Oh——! {Ccming to grief over the pad 
again as he hurries to the Mistress.) Dash and blow ! 

The Mistress {turning to him). Ernest ! 

The Master {limping towards her). Ah! Tsss ! 
{Shaking his fist at the Cook.) You— ypu — ;^ou ill- 
conditioned, odious old woman ! 

The Cook. Odious! 

The Mistress {to the Cook). Odious ! 
The Cook. Old ! 

The Mistress {to the Cook). You told me you 
were forty. Forty ! 



PLAYGOERS. 35 

The Master {rubbing his leg). Fifty if slie's a 
dav ! 

The Cook {to the Mistress). I i£>as forty a week 
ago, before I entered your service. This is the lars' 
stror. I leave at the end o' my month. 

The Mistress. Do ! 

The Master. Do ! 

The Cook. An' wot's more, I take my kitchen- 
maid with me. 

The Mistress. Certainly. 

The Master. Certainly. 

The Parlourmaid. / leave also. 

The Housemaid. An' me. 

The Useful Maid. An' me. 

The Parlourmaid. I reahly couldn't remain in 
a place where-ah changes are so frequently made. 
Most disadvantageous. 

The Housemaid. Nor I where such langwidge is 
spoke as 'as been spoke this morning in my hearing. 

The Useful Maid {-weeping). To be thrown with 
a strange set o' girls after being p-p-perfectly happy 
with this set 'ud be, more than I could bear. 
O'ho — o'ho ! 

The Mistress {hysterically). Ha, ha, ha, ha ! {To 
the Master.) And this — ha, ha ! — and this is the 
result of my new system ! Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

{Led by the Cook, all the female servants rise, the Cook 
clutching the Kitchenmaid.) 

The Cook {to the Mistress). Noo systum, yer 
call it ! A nice noo systum ! I 'ope it'll be a 
less'n to you both, not to treat fus'-clars servants 
patronizin'Iy an' condescendin'ly. 

The Master {advancing). Oh, go to the devil! 

The Cook {to the Master). At any rate, with 'im 
I shouldn't 'ave the constant complaints I've 'ad in 
this 'ouse about there bein' no 'ot water for the baths. 



36 PLAYGOERS. 

The Mistress {to the Master). Yah-h-h-h ! 
Now we've laid ourselves open to repartee ! 

The Cook {to the servants). Corns 'long, an' let's 
resoom our lunches. 

{The feimle servants mtke for the door, murmuring 
as they go.) 

The Kitchenmmd {still in the grip of the Cook, 
sullenly). ' Ere, I dun'no where I am ! 

The Housemaid. I had a foreboding I'd got with 
dessolute people, from the first. 

The Useful Maid. O'ho — o'ho ! 

The Parlourmaid. Shouldn't be surprised if this 
exhilarates my marriage. 

The Cook. Odious ! An' old ! Ho, ho, ho ! 

{They take the'r departure and the door is closed with 
a slam.) 

The Mistress {clinging to the Master and breaking 

down). Oh-h-h-h ! 

.1 The MA.STER. Never mind. Pussy; never mind. 
Pluck up. 

The Mistress {crying tcpon his shoulder). Oh ! 
Oh ! Oh ! All the ground to go over again ! All 
ov2r again ! 
{They become conscious that they are not alone, and that 

the Odd Man is standing by the settee and regarding 

them benevolently .) 

The Master {to the Mistress, hoarsely). No ; not 
all! 

The Mistress {in a whisper). The Odd Man ! 
{Very quietly she fetches the pail and hands it to the 
Master.) 

The Master {presenting it to theODV> Man, with an 
ingratiating smile). Allow me 

the end. 



Printed by Butler & Tanner, Frome and London 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



8 014 528 347 4 



? 

/ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




fm: 



014 528 347 4 



